Ambiance, a sponsor of the eighth annual Cleveland Comedy Festival being held November 18 – 22, is holding a Favorite Sex Joke Contest.
Here are the latest entries:
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
Getting your palm red (read) for free.
A woman walks into an adult store for lovers…lol, the sales person asks if she can help her find anything. The woman says why yes, I’m looking for a vibrator.
The sales clerk says ok follow me. The sales person walks up to the wall and says here are all our vibrators. The sales person says we just received our most advanced vibrator and says watch this.
The sales person says “vibrator hand” one of the vibrators on the wall jumps from the wall into her hand.
Then the sales person says “vibrator vibrate” the vibrator then begins to vibrate.
The sales person explains its a voice activated vibrator. The woman says its perfect ill take it!
The woman gets in her car and is driving home, she was so excited she just had to try it on the drive home.
As she is driving and using the vibrator the car begins to swerve. She passes a cop sitting on the side of the road.
He pulls her over and asks the woman if she has been drinking tonight. She says why no i haven’t. The cop says well I saw you coming down the road and you were swerving. The woman then says oh, I’m sorry officer, you see i just bought this awesome vibrator and couldn’t wait to get home to use it, so i was using it while i was driving.
The cop looks at her and says ” oh, is that right?” Then he looks at her again and says “vibrator my ass!”……lol.
An older couple go in for the annual check up-after the man pulls the doc aside and said-DOC I am 87-she’s 83 -and we are both still sexually active-BUT we do not want that to be our death-You have seen me naked for 40 years-Charge us $50-and let us have sex in front of you so we don’t die cause we had sex
-after a long pause the Doc said-OK-
They have sex in front of th doc-And the doc said-you are fine.
A week later they were back at the Docs-The man said-Doc at our age we cannot be too careful –
Can we PLEASE have sex in front of you-
the doc said-Hell I am having nightmares since last week-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-charge me another $50-Finally the doc said OK-After the doc yelled-YOU ARE FINE GET OUT OF HERE
When they came back the third week-the Doc sreamed-HELL-I AM NOT DOING THIS? WHY ARE YOU BACK HERE AGAIN-and the old man said- wait for it-hold one-
Doc-She’s married- I am married-The Holiday Inn charges me $120 -You charge me $50-AND I GET BACK $40 FROM MEDICARE
I asked a Chinese girl for her number . She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
My old lady and I have been dating a while and recently got engaged. We’ve had a nice sex life the whole time, but I started to realize something one day: The longer we dated, the more sex we had in the dark. I’m not against having sex in the dark but it never use to matter.
So of course I think maybe it’s me? So I work out and I start getting into shape. Nothing changes.
So, I ask her if she’s having self image issues. “No. Not really.”
So, I’m stumped. I tried everything.
So I asked my dad one day, man to man, “Hey Pops, have you ever had a woman only have sex with you in the dark?” He set down his beer and looked at me. He took a deep breath and said, “Son, you know why women always want to have sex in the dark?
The longer they’re with you, the more they hate to see you have a good time.”
So this college girl goes to the doctor for a routine check-up. She’s perfectly healthy except for a rash the shape of a big “H” on her chest.
The doctor asks, “Why do you have a big “H” on your chest?”
She says, “To tell you the truth, my boyfriend is a little kinky and when we have sex he likes to wear his sweater with his varsity letter on it, and he goes to Harvard.”
The doctor prescribes her some ointment and sends her on her way. The next day another college girl goes to the same doctor for a routine check-up and she’s perfectly healthy except for a rash the shape of a big “Y” on her chest.
The doctor asks, “Why do you have a big “Y” on your chest?” She says, “To tell you the truth, my boyfriend is a little kinky and when we have sex he likes to wear his sweater with his varsity letter on it, and he goes to Yale.” The doctor prescribes her some ointment and sends her on her way.
The next day another college girl goes the same doctor for a routine check-up and she’s perfectly healthy except for a rash the shape of a big “M” on her chest. The doctor starts to ask “Why do you…” then says, “Wait. Let me guess. Your boyfriend is a little kinky and when you have sex he likes to wear his sweater with his varsity letter on it and he goes to… Michigan!”
She says, “No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin.”
So this college kid gets a summer job at a big box store. On his first day on the job, the old-time sales guy takes him aside and says “Look kid, the first thing you gotta know about sales is to never sell the customer what he comes in for.”
The kid says “Why not–that’s my job right?”
The old salesman says “No, kid you are on a commission now–you always sell up.”
The kid still doesn’t grab the concept.
Just then, a guy walks in the front door. The old time salesman says “Look kid–I’ll show you how its done.”
The old salesman walks up to the customer and says “Yes sir, can I help you?”
The customer says “Yeah, I need a new spark plug for my lawnmower.” The old salesman scratches his head and says “We got those. But what you really need is a new lawnmower. If your replacing engine parts, chances are that baby is probably at least 10 years old. Pretty soon your gonna need a new blade, the wheel bearings are probably shot, and the deck is probably rusting out. I sure hate to see ya throw good money after bad. We got our very best self-propelled rear-bagger on sale this week. You’ll cut your grass twice as fast, it will look better, and most of all you’ll have more free time.”
The customer says “By God, your right. I’ll take one.”
The salesman writes up the order and turns to the kid and says “See kid, I just turned a two dollar sale into a two hundred dollar sale, the customer thinks I did him a big favor, and I get at 10% taste of that on payday.”
The kid’s eyes get big and he says “Wow, I get it now.”
Just then another guy walks in the front door. The old-time salesman says “OK kid, go get him!” The kid walks up to the customer and says “Yes sir, can I help you?” The customer looks around and says “I need a box of tampons for the old lady.”
The kid scratches his head and says “Well we carry those, but what your really need is a new lawnmower.”
The customer says “What the hell do I need a new lawnmower for?”
The kid says “Well, if she can’t fuck, you might as well have her cut the grass.” A little sexist, but it still gets a laugh. Love your stores!!!!!!